just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
