Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
