tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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