i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
