Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
