They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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