Im at strip club and am horny
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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