dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
