Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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