I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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