Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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