Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
