why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
