Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
this beer tastes like vomit already
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
