I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
