You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
