i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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