Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
