I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
