So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
