I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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