Four minutes until I can fart!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
