Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
