I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
