I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I FOUND THE LEGS
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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