I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
