Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
