I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
