some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
