Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
