Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
