She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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