there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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