a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
