I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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