im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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