I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
