He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
