you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
