sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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