it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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