I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
