Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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