I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
