I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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