I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
