the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
