you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
