My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
