The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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