im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
