i can't believe i had my finger in that
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
